Do you know which the reason why spouses quarrel is? According to modern scholars, more than half of all marital conflicts arise over the upbringing of children. Less often quarrels and disputes occur because of money and because of the divergent views on leisure activities. We cannot say that during “family squabbles” men suffer less than women, but women remember longer the details of quarrels.
According to sociologists who conducted research on the causes of permanent family quarrels, the blame is, basically. Our lovely ladies “at the household level” memory is much stronger than men. Wives always remember the past mistakes of spouses and in the Case, if they repeat the same mistake it instantly detonates a new scandal. American psychologist Berrios dealing with the research on the causes of family disintegration came to the conclusion that the secret of the strength of marriage and family happiness lies in the well-known folk wisdom: “silence is gold.” He found that in simian- “centenarians” husband and wife talk to each other just 27 minutes a day. So that’s that!
Learning to quarrel
Who of us does not know this picture: his wife, trying to impress with something which the husband lost in thoughts, and then breaks to cry: “Do you hear me or not?!”. Or suddenly the husband, for no apparent reason, pounces on his “other half” with incoherent, meaningless accusations. But still to whom is not familiar, when we try to reason with someone who interrupts us, even without listening.
Alas, in arguments that escalate into an argument, you rarely find the right and the wrong. Faced with another’s opinion, we immediately hasten to argue, not trying to listen to any man, nor understand it. Meanwhile, psychologists believe that the desire to object and argue – often a sign of immaturity, or a manifestation of neurosis.
Frayed extremely high requirements sometimes troubled life; we rip off even at work. What can we say about the family?! It is in the family we are bringing all the trouble and grief, resentment and frustration, grouch. And if you do not find the answer in sympathy, understanding, the accumulated “evil” energy spills immediately to relatives – conflicts and quarrels. After all, we are not holding back home fear of appearing in a bad light or banal fear of losing the superiors, and even space. That is why the argument is often erupting into violence.
What causes quarrels?
Psychologists believe that among the main – the struggle for leadership or attempts of a family member of another. In 60-65% of cases, the initiative comes from the origin of the quarrel representatives of “the weaker sex“. Claims, and rightly so, they do a lot: the husband does not help with the housework, often delayed with friends, he had an awkward relationship with the mother, he earns too little, a lot of drinks. Do not fall behind and husbands, “You’re fixated on children, and you don’t care about me … waste money left and right … Ever talk on the phone …”. In families where the husband and wife choose to suppress their anger, women die from heart attacks more often, but only if the angry husband and wife quietly shaded tears – it happens rarely. But if both spouses when «let off steam» quarrels, then they feel quite good! How can this be explained?
When a person hinders feeling in his body accumulates excess so-called stress hormones that narrowing blood vessels, blood circulation, especially in the brain and heart muscle. So men that are suppressing anger, die from heart attacks about twice as likely as those who give vent to their emotions. This figure is higher for men than for women because they are not only resistant to stress, but also able to be discharged by means of tears (Men often discharged with alcohol).
And yet it is not necessary to bring themselves and each other to heart attacks. As strange as it sounds, but you need to quarrel following some rules! Here are a few commands that will help you in this difficult matter. Before responding to the arguments of the other side, try 7 times to bite your tongue. Such a simple trick helps a person not explode, do not do something silly, which would make you regret later. Talk calm, firm voice, without emotion wrap and inflation. Do not add fuel to the fire of the intensifying conflict!
Give the opportunity to the “counterpart” to express their point of view. Do not generalize! Do not say: “You always …” or “You’re the last time he entered (a) the same …”. Remember folk wisdom: “let bygones – those bygones”? Never fight in the relationship in the presence of a third person. A third person is truly extra! usually, intensifies the desire to win the “enemy” at any cost.
In general, try not to quarrel with the children! Do not allow your child to watch your dis-assembly. You somehow eventually reconcile, but he’ll have to puzzle: who is to blame, that mom and dad do not love each other, and what he had to do. Be careful with the words, they can not so much hurt the “marriage partner” as your children, hearing your squabble.
War – Last Argument of Kings, but diplomacy – first and foremost. And so better try immediately to find out what you are accused of, in any case without making any definitive statements. And if you’re not ready to confirm the effect of his words – refrain from them. Threats that are not carried out, do not reach the goal You will need a victory – but do not defeat the enemy. So give up the accusations and instant judgments, degrading the personality of your partner … at loggerheads. Yes, he is your partner! If you do not give a talk, try to insert a monologue to the “enemy”, something like, “Calm down. We’ll talk about it later. “
Never turn your back to talk to anyone – it is a gross insult. And do not leave the place of “duel” in silence. If the “other party” is too nasty to you, try to hide behind the screen inner smile, inner irony. Remember: Humour kills anger. However discard demonstrative smiles or laughter stinging, inciting conflict. And perhaps most importantly: try to see the situation detached as if watching the performance of “character actor.” In general, as some Wiseman said: “Be angry calm!”