Parents want tools for their kids to behave better. In my family counseling practice, I provide kids with a lot of behavioral and cognitive advising tools. I help kids learn how to calm down and solve issues. But I often find it is the fathers while loving and well-intentioned, who need some tools too!
Be an active listener.
If you conflict, draw your kid out to see how he genuinely feels—evading being overly judgmental, which leaves your kid feeling criticized and will reason him to become defensive. One of my clients, Ken, shared with me how he found it useful to say to his 12-year-old son, Troy: Please help me comprehend why you seem upset. Just that simple statement help Ken remembers to listen to rather than lecture his son. Even if Troy did not give Ken an instant answer, Ken understood that by asking this query, he left the door open for Troy to share these feelings and thoughts later on. This question also assisted prevents Ken from going into what Troy mentioned as “lecture mode.”
Use understanding to slow yourself down.
She was listening is described above to help you dig deeper and comprehend what’s undoubtedly going on with your defiant child. This is maybe the best antidote for yelling. While understanding alone may not stop you from screaming, it will assist. Try to analyze what it is that you’d like your child to change and then rationally give details it to him. For instance, in the case of a messy bedroom, ask yourself what is okay and what you’d like him to break doing. Kayla, the mother of 13-year-old Gordon, become conscious that she could live with some clothes on the floor but not with two-week-old potato fries in the corner. As another instance, is it possible that your son says no to get ready for school because he has a test he is not prepared for? Or is your daughter scared of being rejected by her new group of companions and is taking it out on you? Stay mindful that accepting what is going on with your child will help slow you down expressively. The more you slow down, the less emotionally sensitive you will be, and the less likely you are to yell.
Don’t take it all so personally.
In his volume The Four Contracts, Miguel Ruiz writes, don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. This is a respected wisdom to keep in mind. If you stop and think about it, most of the time you yell at your rebellious child, it’s because you are taking her actions too personally. Realize that your defiant kid, even if trying to provoke you, is genuinely behaving in this manner because of his or her struggles, not yours. Remembering this will assist you in not get so frustrated, and your danger of yelling will be much lower.
Updated: 17 July 2020